Have you ever felt angry or unhappy, and felt even more annoyed when someone tries to make you feel happy instead?
It’s almost like we want to be angry or unhappy….
It’s crazy isn’t it, that sometimes we actually don’t want to let go of how we are feeling. I’ve definitely felt this way too!
You may have all the tools, skills and resources to be ABLE to change your emotion.
But why don’t we want to?
It’s because unconsciously experiencing that emotion, is actually meeting a need.
This is why we don’t always want to change how we feel, even when we know that we could.
Understanding what drives us as human beings, is so powerful, because at that moment, you can take back your power again.
Otherwise, your unconscious ways of attempting to meet your needs will be running you.
I’ve often asked coaching clients and even myself. What’s the side benefit of feeling this way?
Sometimes they are even shocked that I would ask this, exclaiming there is no side benefit! I don’t want to feel this way!!
But I can promise you, if it is a repeating pattern, there is a deeper need that you are trying to get met through that behaviour.
And this is true with all of our habits, behaviours and addictions, that we “want” to change, but don’t feel that we “can.”
When you notice this happens for yourself, take time to journal the questions below.
(A clue for this can be when we are depressed, we may get extra sympathy or love from others, or we may not have to take action or responsibility.)
I know for me, one of my cycles included the experience of feeling like a victim. When I did that, it was actually an unconscious way of allowing myself to rest.
Understanding that, made me realise that I no longer needed to go into victim mode, to allow myself to rest. I could just directly choose to rest instead! I know right!!!
This type of thing happens a lot in relationships. When we don’t believe that we can get our needs met, we will unconsciously subtly manipulate or even guilt trip our loved ones, into giving us what we want or need.
Or you may have noticed your loved ones doing it with you. This is actually a really unhealthy way of relating with others. Yet it can be learned behaviour from when we were children.
If you’ve ever experienced someone being passive/aggressive with you, you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
The way to free ourselves from these situations is by starting to recognize our own unresourceful behaviour and become a detective to discover what “needs” we are trying to meet indirectly through that behaviour.
Then asking ourself, what is one way that I could directly meet that need for myself, in a healthy and resourceful way?
This literally starts to transform our relationship with ourselves.
I truly believe authentic happiness comes from meeting our needs in a way that is absolutely aligned with our own personal values and integrity.
This is something that we dive deep into in my Thrive program. It’s so important to understand what our human needs are, in order to meet them in a more conscious and resourceful way.
With Love and Blessings,
Always in All Ways,
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