The courage to be truly authentic, can sometimes be earth shatteringly terrifying.
Akin to those dreams as a child of forgetting to put clothes on and going to school naked…..
Because it is truly stripping back the masks, the facades, the need to look like we have it all together…
It can feel like we are standing naked, in our vulnerability.
Today I’m doing just that, because my heart has been calling me to share this for a while.
18 months ago, when I was moving, I came across a letter that my Mum had written to me, when I was 17 years old.
As I read the final sentences, I literally felt like I had been punched in the heart and yet weirdly I felt so relieved and validated in my childhood experience.
My heart hurt and ached so deeply when I read the words, “I love you exactly how you are (being a domineering parent I’ve already changed the things I didn’t like, ha ha)”
Have you ever received such mixed messages in your life?
Such love and such confusion all at once?
I can tell you, as a sensitive child, it is a complete mindf*%!.
Yet, I know that my Mum absolutely loved me so deeply. I know in her own mind, her intention was to help me, to be a better person, to fit in, belong and be accepted in the world.
Her intent, unknowingly was to shape me into the perfect good girl….
Something, I’m sure we can all relate to receiving these messages at one time or another from parents or authoritarian adults around us.
Because that’s all she knew and we are taught as women, that if we are that, then our life will be easier in the world.
We will be loved and accepted.
Yet it comes at a heartbreaking cost,
Complete betrayal and abandonment of our authentic self.
Deep feelings of unworthiness and shame for being who we are.
And the loss and fear of, if I am my true authentic self, no one will love me.
If I am my true authentic self, I am unacceptable.
If I am my true authentic self, there is something wrong and bad with me.
I held these beliefs for years, sometimes they still trip me up for a moment or two, until I recognise the pattern and do the inner work to free myself from them, yet again. They can be deeply engrained.
These beliefs took me into relationships where I continually showed up as the “good girl” doing all that was desired from others, twisting and contorting myself to be what they wanted me to be.
It led me to completely abandoning and betraying myself again and again, until I was literally an empty shell inside. I felt like I was dying.
It led me to staying in a relationship for years and years, that was detrimental to my wellbeing, because to leave would have been bad, wrong and unloving.
Feeling wrong, bad, ashamed and guilty for putting boundaries in place, for saying no when others wanted me to say yes.
Feeling wrong and bad for even just being me. Feeling scared if I was too loud, too out there, too much of anything….
Feeling like my soul absolutely longed to break free, to soar, to follow my heart, to be all that I was being called to be,
Yet my frightened ego mind, wanted to keep the lid on it all. Continually squishing me back into the box.
Enraged I would break free for an hour or two and rebel and do what I wanted to, only to be swallowed by guilt and shame and powerlessness and feelings of wrongness for doing or being that and desperate for the love, approval and validation from others.
The push/pull energy around this was immense, and that’s what creates burnout, exhaustion and fatigue.
It’s exhausting to continually be pretending something is ok when it’s not.
It’s exhausting to continually be putting on a mask – a smiley happy face, to please everyone around you.
It’s exhausting to continually be in a state of hypervigilance and so hooked into every person’s need, so that you can immediately become what it is they are needing of you in that moment.
I realised how much I constantly scanned other’s energies to see what they needed me to be.
A part of me felt significant and powerful because of this, and a part of me totally resented it, felt like I could never be my true self and could never relax around other people.
It’s a huge reason, why I believe I am an introvert.
Knowing this about myself, helps me to continually de-condition my nervous system from responding this way.
To set appropriate boundaries.
To support and help people in a way that supports my authenticity, my true gifts and allows me to express my truest self.
To support people in a way that uplifts and energises me and supports sustainability.
THIS letter and all that it represents in my lifetime, of receiving these mixed messages, IS also what calls me and my heart and soul to help other women step into their most authentic self.
THIS is what calls me to help you FREE yourself from the unconscious energetic chains that have kept you and your soul bound for years.
THIS is also the reason, WHY I became who I am today, to figure out, why we do what we do, what keeps us stuck, why do we continue to attract patterns into our life, why do we then project these things onto our children.
And making sure I no longer project these things onto my girls is WHY I chose to do the healing and inner work for myself.
I recognised that all of my unhealed crap, what I had received judgement for and felt wrong for being and doing, I was projecting onto my girls…. (and I’m sure on unconscious levels still do at times, but I do my absolute best to catch it.)
Generational Trauma playing out.
I chose to become the circuit breaker for my family.
To no longer project and shape my girls into societies perception of what “perfect, good girl porcelain like dolls are.”
To truly recognise their uniqueness and human and soul journey and encourage them and cheer them on to find their authentic voice and truth and follow their heart.
To honour their emotions, their sensitivity, their own personal knowingness.
To not project my own parenting shame, of needing them to “look and be perceived in a particular way,” in order to validate myself as a parent.
I know deep within my heart my Mum was doing her absolute best.
I know she loved me so deeply and in so many, many ways, she truly was the most spectacular, supportive, loving parent. I am truly blessed to have had her as my Mum.
And I know that many of her projections, came from her unhealed beliefs of who she needed to be in this world, to be loved, accepted and valued.
Yet no matter how great or how hard our childhood experiences were, our parents can never be and fulfil every single one of our expectations or desires.
And when we hold onto these thoughts, believing our parents should have been different, it creates pain and suffering.
It is our job, to re-parent these trauma aspects of ourself, in order to come back to wholeness within.
This is our Self-Responsibility.
Without this experience, I could not be who I was meant to become.
I would not have had the desire to figure the things out that I have.
I would not have had the desire to understand myself and therefore others at such a deep level.
I would not have had the desire to help others understand themselves and these deeply engrained beliefs that drive us all unconsciously.
You see, life is always working out perfectly, even if it is so difficult to see it at the time.
Life is always giving us what we “need” in order to become who we truly are.
Without the oppression, I would have had no desire to break free.
Life is always, serving us…..
It is always giving us the experiences we need to become and live out our life purpose.
If this resonates deeply with you and you’ve been feeling so exhausted, tired, you know you’ve been feeling stuck, you have issues with setting boundaries, you constantly feel triggered by others, then please reach out and send me a PM, let’s chat and see if and how I may be able to help you,
Set yourself FREE,
Live your most AUTHENTIC life,
Truly LISTEN to your INTUITIVE guidance,
HEAL your body and RECLAIM your ENERGY, HEALTH & VIBRANCY,
Set HEALTHY boundaries that support and enhance your relationships,
Drop the facades and mask and be FULLY, UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU!
If that’s what you are committed to create for yourself, click the button below to book your FREE call today!
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Oceans of love,
Here’s to becoming your most authentic self,
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