Co-dependency is a spiritual problem….
Lately I’ve been studying more and more about co-dependency patterns as I know that previously I’ve had deeply engrained patterns with this type of behaviour.
These days it plays out less and less, but occasionally I will catch myself in a pattern where I am over-giving, or attempting to take responsibility for someone’s feelings or circumstances, and wanting to jump in and be the rescuer, then ending up feeling resentful and angry and feeling like a victim for over-giving.
This is the “Drama Triangle” that can play out in Co-dependent
relationships. We go from Fixer/Rescuer to Persecutor/Resentment to Victim/Martyr.
I think this can happen on lots of different levels from time to time, especially in intimate relationships, if your partner has ever been articulating what happened to them, or how they’ve been feeling and you want to “jump in with a solution” for them, then just in that moment, you are trying to “fix” them.
They feel it and you feel it, and often it can cause discord in relationships simply because the other person wasn’t looking for you to “fix it or solve it” for them, they were just wanting to explain or share how they were feeling.
If you’ve ever had someone do this to you, you’ll know exactly what I’m meaning, as we can feel shut down, we don’t feel heard and we often feel misunderstood when someone attempts to do this.
I was shocking at this! I literally had to learn how to bite my tongue at times not to say things either to my kids, friends, or partner, as I had such a tendency to do it.
I still sometimes will have an emotional reaction to what’s going on for someone emotionally and in that moment, on some level I have attempted to take responsibility for them.
It’s not possible and it can come from blaming ourself for how other people feel, often as kids, as it can feel scary for a child who’s parent is upset, and it’s an unconscious way of trying to regain control in a situation that we are clearly not in control of.
If we blame ourself, that’s something we can take care of, it’s something we can change, so it gives the illusion of control.
However, what happens then, is it doesn’t feel good to blame ourself, so unconsciously we want to try and fix, or change how the other person is feeling or responding.
Now coupled with this extra feeling of responsibility, often we will attract someone who is willing to blame us, willing to not take responsibility for their feelings, as relationship offers such a powerful opportunity of seeing what we are “sticky” with.
Life is so kind it will continue bringing us situations and circumstances that highlight our unconscious and conscious beliefs, until we do the inner work to clean it all up.
Now I truly believe where co-dependency is a spiritual problem, is often both people in the co-dependent relationship are disconnected from their inner being.
They are looking for love, approval and security in all the wrong places, they are often trying to get it from each other, and wind up feeling even more powerless and more out of control, which only seems to exacerbate the issue and creates even more heightened feelings, responses and experiences.
It’s why we can end up feeling so crazy in some of these relationships because we are so desperately out of alignment with our own authentic truth and are doing whatever we can as a form of coping or attempting to still get love, approval and security met in an external way.
I can promise you no amount of people pleasing, no amount of trying to control, no amount of trying to get someone’s approval will ever, ever, ever bring happiness, security, true deep intimate love or joy.
And the only way out of it, that I have been able to find for myself, is through genuine self-love and connection with my own internal higher self, divine love and the universe (all the same thing to me).
If you constantly feel frustrated with others and believe that they should or shouldn’t be behaving in a particular way, I promise you, there is a need that you are attempting to get met through someone else’s behaviour and it will never, ever, ever bring you happiness, peace or contentment in relationships.
I’ve been the parent that desperately wanted my kids love and approval years ago and it blocked me from being the parent I really wanted to be and needed to be at the time. Thankfully I was willing to question the thoughts and beliefs that “They should love me, they should respect me”.
That was not their job, that was mine, and when I do that for myself, I set them free from needing to dominate or control them with authoritarian parenting and I can sit down and have real conversations with them about what is actually going on for them, without my own personal needs getting in the way and confusing what’s actually going on.
I’ve been the spouse that desperately wanted my husband to love and approve of me, I tried for years and years to be the “perfect wife” and all it ended up doing was making myself the most miserable, sad and depressed person that I’ve ever been.
There is so much power, freedom and joy in releasing the need for anybody to be different so that you can feel ok. When I love me, I set everyone free.
Sure I still have boundaries on what is and isn’t ok for me, but I know longer have to “defend” myself to create this, as from a true place of loving and respecting myself, I communicate my needs effectively and I also no longer attract that behaviour from other people. (Well most of the time anyway and if I do, I’m the first one I look to, as to what I need to clean up in myself. If I’m attracting negativity from others, where have I been negative? If I attract disrespect, where have I not been respecting myself?)
It’s always, always, always an inside job.
Co-dependency sure has it’s ways of making us feel crazy at times and it’s definitely taken me quite a while to strip back the layers, to release attempting to be responsible for others, to really get clear on what’s going on at an energetic level, however it has also taught me so much about myself, so much about relationships, so much about masculine/feminine energy, so much about what true deep love actually is and I’m so blessed to have a partner that is so willing to work through all of this together, at times we’ve both been tripped up by stuff, and it’s only helped us to get clearer and clearer on our own personal truth, what is and isn’t ok for each of us personally and what we absolutely desire the most in our partnership.
It’s such a joy, to be able to do the deep inner work with someone on this same level and to grow together to embrace the fullness of who we each really are.
It’s time to set yourself free Gorgeous,
If you have taken far too much responsibility for others,
If you have over-given to others time and time again,
If you have burnt yourself out by continuing to give until you were entirely depleted,
It’s time to stop.
It’s time to tune in,
It’s time to take stock of how you are living,
Of what is most important to you,
Of what you truly want and desire in life.
It’s time to do the inner work,
It’s time to re-evaluate how you are loving, respecting and nurturing yourself,
It’s time to set everyone else free,
By choosing to take full radical self-responsibility for what is and isn’t ok for you.
It’s time to get connected,
It’s time to be still,
It’s time to listen in to your higher guidance
And your heart of hearts.
You have all of your own answers
It’s time to set yourself free.
With Love and Blessings,
Always in All Ways,
Gorgeous if this has been your pattern in your intimate relationships, I can promise you that it will also be showing up in your work, with your relationship with your kids, affecting your finances – as that’s always a reflection of our own self-love and connection, but also massively impacting your own health and wellbeing, particularly your digestive system and potentially your menstrual cycle as well.
I’ve just worked through almost 12 months of clearing deep lineage and generational patterns from the feminine line in my family, I’m sure there’s probably more, but wow, it’s been incredibly powerful. There is a real shift occurring.
If this resonates at all for you, and you are ready to dive in and do the deep inner work on a soul level, contact me now. Only a couple of spots left for 1:1 VIP Coaching. Xox
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