For years and years I struggled in intimate relationships….
I honestly felt like I was just bad at them, like it didn’t seem to matter what I did, I just couldn’t make them work.
I felt like such a failure,
All I wanted, was to just be with a guy that absolutely loved me and cared so much about me.
I tried so hard giving them everything I thought they wanted and needed to make them happy,
(I was told you reap what you sow, but that didn’t seem to be the case for me???)
I’d over give, I’d constantly end up in resentment from feeling so exhausted and tired trying to make them happy.
And then I’d feel guilty and bad for feeling so much anger and resentment and dislike who I was becoming.
Eventually I’d lose myself totally from twisting and contorting myself inside out like a pretzel to try and be what I thought they wanted me to be…..
On the outside, I looked pretty together and seemed to have a good life,
But inside I was a mess, and I felt empty lost and scared.
At first, I honestly thought it was that I just wasn’t lovable enough….
I thought I just need to be skinnier, prettier, and be more “perfect”, be exactly what I thought, he wanted me to be.
So I tried even harder…. I’d cook lavish double layered cream filled chocolate cakes, for him to take for morning tea. I’d clean the house till it was absolutely spotless, I’d wash the car and even run mowing the lawns in the afternoon, so I wasn’t late to pick my girls up from school…..
Yet that wasn’t the answer either….
I was left feeling burnt out, rejected, used and still felt unlovable…..
And I’d entirely lost myself, my inner spark was gone….
My eyes no longer sparkled,
I looked dull and felt worn out.
After many years of this cycle on repeat…..
I finally realised I was the problem.
It wasn’t that I was unlovable, it was that I BELIEVED I was unlovable and had created a plethora of ways to compensate for that….
Over giving, people pleasing, being the good girl, denial of my real feelings and intuitive knowing, dissociation from the reality of my circumstances, just to name a few…..
And I realised a HUGE missing piece, was that the Universe would always reflect back to me, the way I felt about myself.
OMG – If there’s one thing I could shout from the roof tops and tell every single teenage girl and woman on the planet it would be this!!!!
So when I didn’t feel worthy of love and was continuing to over give, the universe brought me more situations and circumstances in my life that were an equal match for these situations, continuing to reinforce the belief that of course I wasn’t worthy of love.
When I started treating myself well, when I gave to myself, when I took care of me first, by setting healthy boundaries, when I truly stood my ground on what I would and wouldn’t tolerate, my whole world shifted!!!!
And whilst it wasn’t necessarily easy – there were lots of relationships/friendships that dropped away at this time, it meant I was no longer allowing myself to be manipulated and used by others, due to my own lack of self-worth and self-love.
I was finally advocating for myself and no longer self-abandoning in order to please others.
And THAT allowed me to really attract people into my life that were in alignment with me.
My relationships/friendships with others became synergistic, mutually beneficial and it didn’t feel like a compromise as we both loved doing similar things.
And more specifically it allowed me to attract my amazing man into my life AND at that point, I thought I was done!
I really honestly thought I’d done all of the inner work I needed to…..
I loved and valued myself again.
Boy I couldn’t have been more wrong….
Undoing years of patterning of people pleasing and abandoning myself.
Undoing years of unconsciously twisting and contorting myself to be what I though others wanted me to be.
Stripping myself back, layer after layer….
Standing naked in my shame of feeling not enough and having someone see me in that, was the most terrifying experience of my life.
Yet, so powerful and irrevocably healing…
By doing the inner work to come back to loving myself, it allowed me to attract a man into my life, who has been my mirror for my own self love and that had the CAPACITY, the WILL and the WANTING to continue to hold space for me during my processing of these old patterns and emotions, and has been a beautiful role model for me, to be able to learn how to do that for a man.
It has been far from easy and we have spent some time apart as we navigated new pathways of growth for us both individually.
However, I am beyond proud of what we’ve both grown through.
The paths that we’ve had to navigate,
The difficult, confronting and challenging conversations that we’ve had along the way have all been worth it, to get to experience what we have today.
The depth of love in our connection physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually is undeniable.
I am beyond grateful for him and the growth that I’ve experienced because of our relationship.
And I’m so proud of the woman that I’ve grown to be today.
What’s an area in life, that you used to struggle in and today you can see how much you’ve grown?
P.S. Make sure you take time to acknowledge and celebrate that!!!
With Love and Blessings,
The life you’ve been thinking of. The life you’ve been yearning for. The changes you want to make. The things you want to do, that make you feel alive. The experiences you want to have. The memories you want to make…… It’s all possible. You only have to DECIDE that it is and stop WISHING […]
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