Today I’m saying a final farewell to my beautiful Grandma and I’m so filled with mixed emotions.
Sadness and loss at her passing,
And so much gratitude for her life.
And mixed in with a greater, deeper, and redefining purpose, of being the oldest living matriarch within my generational line now.
I was chatting with a few of my female clients in the week about this and feel it’s so important to speak about, because from what they shared with me, many feel it, yet I’ve never really seen it spoken about.
When my beautiful Mum passed in 2010, I felt a huge sense of responsibility to fill her shoes.
Both of her parents were still alive, my Dad was also heavily grieving, and rightly so and I’d not long become a single Mumma to my own two girls.
I felt so weighted at the time to take care of everyone and it was loaded with a deep feeling of responsibility and overwhelm, not just with the huge amounts of grief I was also feeling for the loss of my Mother, but also for a huge gaping hole that was left within our family structure, with my Mum passing.
My Mum was the go-to person for many people and especially for her parents, not to mention myself and my brother and also my Dad and for my own two beautiful daughters. She was filled with extraordinary wisdom, deep patience, and the capacity to fully listen, and had exceptional problem-solving capabilities. The way her mind worked was incredible.
And her early departure at age 59, rocked our worlds entirely. At 32 years old, I felt it was an impossible task to try and fill her shoes.
And I was correct in my feelings because I was never meant to fill her shoes. I was meant to be the fullest version of myself and this I came to understand over the following two years after her passing.
Yet, I also felt a deeper calling to my family lineage but also felt that I had not yet stepped into holding the torch for my family, with my Grandmother still being alive (and I was so grateful for that also.)
So in some ways, I felt that I was in limbo, and what I’ve noticed very palpably this past week, since her passing last Sunday, was a deepening into this new chapter and energy within my life.
Not only with the passing of my grandmother but the approaching birth of my first grandbaby in June.
It’s a strange, yet renewing and redefining place to find myself in, and perhaps if you’ve navigated this pathway previously, in becoming your own family’s matriarch, I’m all ears to learning more about what you experienced, or what was most helpful to you.
This deeper calling into my lineage and the matriarchal energy. I’m feeling it shaping me, defining me, re-creating me. I don’t feel it’s something I need to do, I feel that it’s something being done to me, a beautiful new raw, primal energy that I now have access to, that wasn’t previously there.
I feel that it’s not just a new page of my book, it’s an entirely new chapter and the ending of my book may just be entirely re-scripted as a result of this new energy.
I feel a depth into this calling, of clarity, of deepening wisdom, of spaciousness, or of reclarifying what is most important to me.
I feel a deeper yearning and longing to be even more present, in life, with life, and most certainly with myself and my loved ones.
I feel a deeper anchoring into mother earth and my connection to her.
I feel a primal energy raising up, to tend to my lineage and future generations, and be clear about my values and principles that I’d like to instill and encourage, that my heart and soul believe will benefit them most.
I feel a deepening wisdom and mother energy rising up from within me, a nurturing, tending to, and deeper presence of life.
I feel less concerned with the opinions or ideas of what others think of me.
I feel more than ever before, more deeply rooted and grounded within myself and with life.
I think death has a way of bringing this deepening to us.
It makes us stop and really consider, ponder, and realise what is most important to us in life.
What truly matters, what’s most important, and swiftly guides us towards that.
Death reminds us, that we are all on borrowed time,
Taking action today on what matters most, is what’s most important.
Death offers a valuable lesson, in appreciating and utilising our days well.
A reminder to not sweat the small stuff….
A reminder of what’s most important.
And more than ever before I feel it’s our connection and love for others and with others.
I truly believe that there is nothing more important than the relationships we have and the many opportunities that we have to express love and gratitude to them, for who they are.
Am I withholding my love, or expressing my love at any given moment?
This I believe is the most important question we can ask ourself because, on our deathbed, I believe it truly is, the only thing that will matter……
I just want you to know,
thank you for being here,
Truly, thank you.
From my heart to yours.
Thank you for reading this, thank you for being a part of my world,
Thank you for your support and love and energetic presence and for being you.
With Love and Blessings,
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