The biggest thing that I notice that causes unhappiness in relationships, is people focusing on what the other person is doing and what they themselves are or aren’t getting out of it, rather than “Who can I choose to be in this relationship”.
This creates so many challenges as it’s all focused on what the other person is doing and who they are being and their behaviours, rather than recognising how we are contributing to the outcomes in the relationship (either positive or negative) by who we are being. Therefore negating our true power that comes from within to create our own reality and the type of relationship that we truly desire.
This is what can create a feeling of anxiety or stress within us, knowing full well that we can’t control someone else, however it doesn’t stop us attempting to control them, by wanting them to be different somehow, so that we can feel ok.
If you’ve ever heard yourself saying to yourself “They should……” or “They need to……” Then this is when we want them to be different.
In short we are interfering in other people’s business, and you will never feel free, calm or settled when that is happening.
Our biggest challenge in relationships is expecting them to be the same as us. Without even knowing what our own rules or beliefs are, we often project that onto our partner, expecting that they should just know that, or be that way.
Arrgghhh…. It’s hard sometimes!
And what we are most triggered by in them, is all of our own wounds or aspects that we have made wrong or bad in ourselves. If you are most triggered by someone’s anger, chances are you’ve never really allowed yourself to be angry, if you are triggered by their laziness, or their untidiness, either you dislike that part of yourself or you’ve made that part of you wrong.
Often we attract a partner that has equal and opposite wounds. (Just like a bully and a victim. The bully underneath the tough exterior feels incredibly terrified that he is not enough and therefore seeks exterior power over others, the victim feels that they are not enough and therefore believes that they need to be submissive to others.)
When this happens in relationships you will both trigger each other extensively as each of your fears play out, but from opposite ends, often exacerbating our own pain, and theirs until we shine conscious light on it, take responsibility for what is ours and choose to work through it and heal it.
I’ve experienced huge anxiety about my body weight in a relationship in the past, where I didn’t believe I was thin enough, (I had 4 pack abs at the time!) and they were adamant they wanted a partner that looked a particular way (possibly from their own judgement about themselves). I was super anxious about my body, and therefore attracted someone that, that wound was highlighted with. When I healed that in myself, it no longer played out in my next relationship.
It is a true blessing when two conscious people come together and are able to take responsibility for their each of their own individual stuff and work through their own inner wounds together. To be honest there is nothing more magical, deeply healing and transformational. Whilst it doesn’t eliminate difficult conversations entirely, it does bring about increased understanding, compassion and true deep intimacy.
It takes absolute trust, vulnerability and courage to dive into our deepest pains and let others see those aspects of ourself and with a partner that is willing to do the same, it enables each person to hold a compassionate heartspace with non- judgement.
However often what happens, especially in a new relationship is that these wounds are first triggered and highlighted.
And by highlighted I mean, that it feels it is so in our face that we cannot possibly ignore it!! It’s like someone got a floodlight out and shined it on that aspect of ourself, that we are desperately trying to hide. This is often a very unconscious thing. We will just feel super reactive and often don’t have a clue why.
I truly remember the deep feelings of shame that came up for me, when I realised that my Gorgeous man was an empath, and could feel and know things about me, that I had not expressed to anyone.
It was terrifying for me. He is so tuned into my feelings that he notices when a negative thought flits across my mind, I know this because he often asks me at that precise time how I’m feeling, or what I’m thinking about. For me initially it felt that there was nowhere to run to, nothing that I could hide anymore. Talk about vulnerability, and my ego/survival mind hated it. It wanted him to leave, to go away and it left me feeling utterly confused in the beginning of our relationship.
The more I’ve healed and released, accepted and loved, the less this aspect of me feels threatened.
And so when we are triggered and feel a deep sense of shame, we often will flick this around very unconsciously and begin to blame the other person. We start to fault find, we will do anything we can to escape the deep shame we feel, by taking the spotlight off ourselves and placing it on another.
We can even do this as parents. Parental shame is something that can often play out unconsciously, where we place blame on our kids for their behaviour, without stopping to see how we’ve created the situation, or what we have not personally taken responsibility for, that was triggered deep within us from an old childhood wound of not feeling enough.
It’s big stuff,
It’s messy and it’s super challenging.
Would I ever not want this though?
My deepest desire is for a relationship that is so deeply intimate that we clearly see each other for who we each are, at our core self.
That we can face our deepest fears together,
That we can talk through our deepest vulnerabilities,
That we can have a trust that creates the strongest foundation for us both to gently land on, in our most difficult moments.
That we find a way to work through things and to communicate and each take responsibility for what is each our own personal wound and trigger.
I am so beyond blessed, to have found that and created that with my partner.
I am so grateful to have worked through some huge challenges together, to have created the solid partnership that we have today.
I am so incredibly inspired, by what we can conquer together moving forward.
Will I be triggered again?
More than likely. – There is always greater freedom to be found within our own minds and definitely more than one layer to our wounds.
Anything that is unresolved in you, will continue Re-Presenting again and again for you to work through.
Your triggers are your greatest GIFTS, that keep being given to you,
Until you heal them.
Ultimately, they are the missing pieces of your heart, of your soul,
That you left behind or disowned in moments of stress, trauma or challenges as a child.
Ultimately, you get to receive them all back, through love, acceptance, understanding and compassion.
The next time you are triggered in a relationship, whether it be a work colleague, intimate, children, parents or friends, take some time to stop and ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?”
“What part of me is hurting, feels rejected, abandoned, or not good enough?”
“What part of me, wants the other person to behave differently?”
“What am I judging them for?”
Because I can promise, it’s also where you will judge yourself the most too.
Your freedom is only a breath away from recognising this,
From accepting and loving this aspect of yourself,
Your empowerment comes from loving all of you, not just the bits that you like,
But all of you, the bits you want to change, the lazy, the angry, the spiteful, the ungrateful, the withdrawn, the emotional parts of you.
All of those pieces come together, and with total love and acceptance, create a whole heart.
That now has true freedom to express itself, from Absolute love.
It’s the continual rejection of those aspects, that keep them in full focus, as they will continue playing out for you, until you heal them and accept them.
It’s time to love you,
All of you.
It’s time to know you are worthy and enough,
In this very moment Now.
With love & blessings,
Always in All Ways,
Co-dependency is a spiritual problem…. Lately I’ve been studying more and more about co-dependency patterns as I know that previously I’ve had deeply engrained patterns with this type of behaviour. These days it plays out less and less, but occasionally I will catch myself in a pattern where I am over-giving, or attempting to take […]
5 Things I learnt about life from flying a helicopter! Now even though I did this back in September, this experience keeps playing over again and again in my mind, I cannot describe the incredible joy and exhilaration I felt from my first time flying and being in command of all controls of a helicopter. […]