Over the weekend, I became triggered and fell into the shame hole.
I want to break this down a few different ways because so many people unknowingly experience shame.
Shame is honestly one of the most difficult experiences of being human.
I lived in the feeling of shame for years and years. At its core is a belief that “I am not enough”.
I’ve seen this pattern universally both with myself and with the thousands of people that I’ve worked with over the years.
Shame can feel so bad, when you are in it, that you literally just want to disappear and withdraw from everything and everyone completely. You do not want anyone to see you.
When I’ve experienced deep shame, it also can include feeling so bad, that I don’t deserve to live. This is what makes feeling shame, feel so absolutely terrible.
Now please know, I understand what shame is. I understand what’s going on logically whilst feeling impacted emotionally and physically and I share my experience, not for sympathy, but for learning and progression. Please also know I am not at risk of harming myself.
I’ve worked through a huge amount of it and processed a lot over the weekend.
Shame can link us to our biggest traumas as children, and new awareness provides a huge opportunity for change and growth.
I’m sharing this to hopefully support you, to bridge the gap for yourself, so that you can have more self-awareness if/when you experience this.
To have greater self-compassion for yourself in this experience in order to be able to move through it faster.
Shame occurs when we hold ridiculously high standards/rules for ourself, that we are not able to meet.
People that live in the experience of shame consistently are not living in a way that is in their own integrity and or not meeting these incredibly difficult rules on a daily basis.
(Often high achievers and super successful people can experience deep shame, because of these super high standards.)
This also massively impacts self-esteem, self-love, self-confidence.
Beliefs such as;
“ I have to always be perfect and right”
“I have to always be loving and never feel anger or upset toward anyone.”
“I have to always get everything done and if not, I’m a failure”
“I should be thinner, prettier, healthier, more successful, etc.”
When we are children and forming attachments with our parents, often these “rules or standards” have come from their projections, about who we need to be, to meet their ideal self-concept as a parent. (A “misbehaving, angry or overly emotional child” would not meet their self-concept of being a “good” parent.)
Therefore, your parent experiences shame and projects shame on you, for not conforming to their ideal concept.
Without a parent sitting down with you and exploring why you are feeling this way, and validating your authentic feelings, whilst also remaining present, loving, and preserving your attachment it creates incredible anxiety.
The child must pick attachment with their parent in order to survive/get their physical needs met and dismiss their authentic (often unacceptable to the parent) feelings.
This is where the people-pleaser coping mechanism is born.
And where we lose our authenticity. Our voice is to speak up and share what we really feel.
If you were isolated, put down, yelled at, or ignored when you were upset as a child, you would have learnt that it is wrong to express your emotions or to feel anger.
Now as an adult, when you are not able to continue suppressing those emotions, needs, and boundaries and they bubble over, now you will experience shame.
This can often keep us in situations that do not serve us, because the moment we express that we are not happy or don’t feel good, we will experience shame and we will abandon our authenticity, (how we really feel) in order to align with love, approval, and attachment with the other person.
Your anger and your emotions are actually your friends. They are telling you what boundaries you have and what is and isn’t ok for you.
But when we experience shame because we are angry or upset, it can often spiral into a situation very quickly. We will either want to retract our boundary or ignore, dismiss or deny that we are really upset about something, or we will project blame and shame on the other person.
You can see how this massively spirals self-love and self-respect. Because the more you dismiss your own boundaries, the more abandoned and self-betrayal you experience, lessening self-love.
The more you shame yourself for your anger, the less self-love you have, making you more dependent on the love, validation, approval from the other person.
This is a massive reason why people stay in unhealthy, toxic, or abusive patterns and situations and why it creates a chain of pain.
Because their sense of self-love is so low, that they feel they cannot survive without the “love” from the other person because they are swimming in their own shame. (Even if the “love” doesn’t actually love.)
Developing a strong sense of self-love and self-confidence is paramount to shifting out of these situations.
Knowing who you are and what your own needs, desires, and wants are, is also absolutely so important.
Not to mention having clarity on your own values and living true to your own integrity.
Asking yourself the question, “Is this loving to me?” Will also help you to navigate greater clarity in those moments, when you feel lost or confused with what is actually happening in those dysfunctional patterns.
Emotional mastery and resilience are so important.
Understanding these patterns so that we don’t continue to perpetuate them onto our own children is vital and crucial in raising healthy kids with well-adjusted self-esteem.
Learning to find your authentic voice, starts with you accepting and validating your own feelings.
With Love and Blessings,
Always in All Ways,
When we trade authenticity for attachment/love/approval from others we are abandoning and betraying ourselves. It results in addictions, emotional eating, anxiety, depression, and inexplicable grief.
Knowing how to not only be authentic, but also uphold your own boundaries, be emotionally resilient and masterful, is critical to overcoming exhaustion, fatigue, and burnout.
When we do not listen to our authentic voice, we end up remaining in situations that we know we should have changed years ago. This again causes exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and grief, not to mention the effects this has on our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
If you resonate, I strongly encourage you to reach out and book a call today. These patterns have often been with us since childhood and you deserve to set yourself and your children free from them.
What is this truly costing you, by not taking action and healing this?
Book your call, today Gorgeous, let’s set you free:
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